Who is happier?

Sometimes, especially in those 2 weeks every month some people refer to as pmsville, I seriously think there is something wrong with me.

This is the time when:

• I get infuriated at others in the house for petty things like not switching off the air-con, leaving the tap on and misplacing the car key;
  

• I really fight to stop myself from screaming my lungs out when all three kids are crying and fighting to be with me at the same time;
  

• When my mother just says in passing “mamanya inda pandai ada di rumah bah tu, iatah durang menangis*”, it stays and lingers in my head for ages (*”they’re crying for their mommy cause she hasn’t been home much”, which this week is to an extent true but justifiably our Society has been really busy with a project which insyaAllah will bring HUGE changes and benefits for the children);
  

• I get paranoid if someone so much as brush me off slightly when I’m talking to them or respond to my full smile with a half one, and then spend ages thinking back if I did anything to upset them;
  

• I get insecure about my overall competence in anything;
  

• I really have to grit my teeth when all I feel like doing is complaining and whining all day;
  

• I really have to think about what I’m going to say because it feels like there are a hundred voices in my head telling me to say “this” or “that”..;
  

• I get overwhelmed with all the responsibilities placed upon me that getting out of bed feels like such a chore;
  

• I feel so fat and yet there I am eating everything in sight with my “bottomless pit” appetite;
  

• I get extra impatient with Raiyan
  

And the list goes on.. well not too much, I’m not a COMPLETE psycho

Seeing how Raiyan being autistic lacks certain aspects of emotions, feelings and social cues, it’s not far fetched to assume that he doesn’t or wouldn’t experience half of what I have to endure in pmsville (well add the fact that he doesn’t have a uterus either!).

Unless what he wants is his obsession, he wouldn’t get irritated at petty things that at other times don’t bother him. He wouldn’t feel guilt when people who love him are crying out for him. He couldn’t care less if someone doesn’t smile back at him. He doesn’t understand statements that have double meanings or innuendos in them. His eating pattern is rigid so there is no issue of appetite roller coasters with him. He doesn’t have to worry about saying the wrong thing because others are just grateful for him to say anything.

Basically, he is saved from all the ills that sometimes social intelligence brings. So maybe being a bit autonomous is not so bad sometimes ah?...