When Non-Opposites Attract

Pweshes Babah XY gene + Pweshes Mama XX gene = Pweshes XYRaiyan

There are several theories proposed on the possible root(s) of autism, as I have listed some in my most recent poll. Unsurprisingly, I get confused when reading about each one of them that it is impossible to pinpoint any one as the definite cause of Raiyan being autistic. My personal conclusion is that it is probably a number of factors rather than just one. In the end, we have openly given in to the reason of “destiny” and how it is just part of God’s bigger plans for us.

Nevertheless I still find some of the arguments put forward to be very interesting and perhaps too coincidental and thus rightly deserving of further study. The theory that has caught my attention the most is Simon Baron Cohen’s opinion on assortative mating of individuals as expressed in his article entitled “When Minds Think Alike”.

I’m not sure what people’s general stance is on the term “soul-mates” but short of sounding ridiculously corny (warning: sickbag may be needed before you proceed), I have always believed that Jeff and I are “soul-mates” for the basic reason as to how similar we are in so many ways. Whether it’s the physical factor such as our facial resemblance (nya orang melayu, macam pinang di belah dua lah ah…), our height and size (ok maybe not so much now for postpartum pweshes mama but we were perfect next to each other pre-babies ok?!) and our same taste in style; or mentally, where we share the same philosophy in life, same moral standards, same sense of humour, same principles and beliefs, same taste in music, movies, books etc. AND don’t get me started on how incredibly well we get along with each other’s families. Even now, after almost 7 years of being together, I can still clearly count the number of times we have had major fights. The rest of the times of us being together alhamdulillah have been what I call effortless bliss.

Of course it’s not all a bed of roses and I do however confess to our relationship sometimes suffering as a result of its twin-like qualities. For instance, we are both such uncontrollable shopaholics and this have landed us into a few financial woes in the past (and present!). We both love to over analyze something or somebody’s actions or words that we would spend days doing so until we eventually realize or find out that we have wasted our time worrying over nothing. We both love to talk so we have to fight for the spotlight sometimes when telling stories to others. We encourage each other in our perfectionist ways to have everything in the right order (whether it’s hosting a Hari Raya open house, organizing an event at work, dressing up our children, cleaning up and arranging the house etc etc etc) to the extent that we get over-stressed on every little detail which would probably go unnoticed by others. All in all, because we are so alike, we rarely offer each other a different perspective or point of view on how to handle our problems and challenges. Not unlike the blind leading the blind…

So imagine my astonishment when I read the abovementioned article which quotes the “assortative mating theory” being a possible genetic cause for autism, where both parents share a common characteristic and have been attracted to each other because of their psychological similarity. Two particular patterns to look for in autism parents are a sense of strong systemization skills (in that everything has to be done systematically or in order) and the drive to analyze the details of a system in order to understand how it works (this is practically our hobby!). Hence, in the case of the People versus Pweshes Babah and Mama-Guilty as Charged!

Another related factor mentioned in the article was that a person in the family may have worked in the field of engineering. It’s so weird how this was pointed out because Jeff can be considered a “tooth engineer” and both his siblings are civil engineers. YIKES! Isn’t that spooky?

Another factor that may be relevant but somehow I would choose to ignore is that both parents have a more male pattern of brain activity and that the mothers of autistic children are more likely to have testosterone-linked medical conditions. I have sometimes in the past been insecure of my “gawah”, loud and unladylike self but I WILL NOT and NEVER WILL to an extent consider it as being a “male pattern” or “testosterone-linked” OKAY!

Just like in other theories such as the MMR vaccine and cable television, Mr. Baron Cohen (who you would be shocked to know is Ali G’s first cousin!) uses the fast rising rates as a back up to his theory because if we were to compare with the situation 50 years ago, there was hardly any proximity between systemizing men and women as there was a higher percentage of men in universities compared to women, whereas now the ratio of men and women studying together is almost equal. Also, now with the introduction of air travel, the mating pool is wider so an individual can mate with another from halfway across the world hence, because of the more choices laid out, the probabilities of meeting someone similar to you is higher. At the same time, Mr. Baron Cohen also highlighted that with the introduction of computers and other forms of technologies, there has been an innate need for everyone to be more systematic than they would like to be. When you think of the fast paced globalized world that we live in now, you’d be left behind if you’re not systematic in some way or another. Therefore there are altogether more systematic people now anyway.

Now before I start worrying you hopeless romantics over whether or not you should marry the person you are so convinced is the male/female version of you and especially when you are also a control freak, bear in mind that it is more likely than not that this is just one of those fluke presumptions. There are many, many other “perfect” and “meant to be” couples I know who do not have autistic children. And there are also autism parents out there who fall in the “opposites attract” circle.

Another concern about buying into Mr. Baron Cohen’s hypothesis is that if the cause is purely due to genes, then this means other children of the same parents will be autistic too, which is not necessarily the case. Yes, there is a higher chance of them being autistic too but it is definitely not definite. Alhamdulillah, my 19 month old Alisha seems neurotypical to me, talking and playing in accordance with the milestones of typical children.

Even if I was to believe Mr. Baron Cohen’s findings as true and that autistic children are only borne out of parents that are similar in nature, then the fact that they are similar should be considered a blessing as I swear, I’m only coping with Raiyan as well as I do BECAUSE I have a partner who understands me so well.

With Pweshes Babah, I am forever thankful for:
1. His consistent packing up of Raiyan’s school things the night before, which includes all the therapy stuff, spare change of clothes, show and tell items, swimming gear etc.
2. His persistence in feeding Raiyan his meals even when it seems so hopeless;
3. His open-mindedness and willingness to try things if we think it can help Raiyan;
4. Him keeping all of Raiyan’s books and toys in order so Raiyan can easily find them when he needs them
5. Him finishing off whatever I was doing with Raiyan, without me having to explain anything
6. All the times he knows when to swoop in and take over when he can see me starting to get riled up over the kids
7. Him still being able to maintain a balance in spending time with all 3 kids..

8. His active involvement with Learning Ladders

9. His equal interest to talk to K and J (Raiyan's therapists) as much as he can

and many more. ..

But most of all, I am forever thankful for the “matching” feelings, attitude and approach he has shown ever since Raiyan was diagnosed in December. It just convinces me even more how much we are meant to be together because I can’t imagine going through this journey with anyone else. Thanks Pweshes Babah! Love you loads!