Indistinguishable?

Okay, now that I've gotten that confessional side of me out of the way, I shall just dive in and inform all of you on how Raiyan is doing.

Raiyan is doing absolutely great!! Jeff and I attended a parent-teacher meeting thingy about 3 weeks back and after our initial apprehension of being on the receiving end of continuous complaints of Raiyan's autonomousity (is there even such a word?) or more specifically his tendency to not listen to others, we were more than pleasantly surprised that though he still does that at times, it is in no way at a worrying state, AND his competence in learning far outweighs that particular fault of his. Jeff and I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of our 2 hour consultation with all of Raiyan's teachers. And I'm not exaggerating here folks, BUT at least 2 teachers particularly said the controversial word: That Raiyan is now "indistinguishable".

I know ABA gets a lot of flack from the autism acceptance community because it apparently strives to make the autistic child ultimately look "normal" and therefore you could argue, "indistinguishable" from his peers. Now, if you have been an ardent follower of this blog from when it first started in January 2008, you would know that I never had such intentions when Raiyan first embarked on his ABA journey. All I ever dreamt of for my baby boy was for him to be able to communicate with others and to form meaningful relationships. Though we were committed to work on his behaviour (tantrums, stims, no eye contact, lack of social skills), they were hardly a priority for us as all I ever really wanted was to be able to have a conversation with him.

Now, we know Raiyan has gone beyond that point when Kerri informed us some months back that all his basic language are in place and what is left is for him to utilise them appropriately, together with acquiring appropriate behavioural and social skills.

So how did I feel when the teachers mentioned the word "indistinguishable?"

• For starters, I felt relief because I have always been worried about Raiyan bringing too much attention to himself to the point that the teacher might single him out for whatever reason and he may need to be reprimanded. There have been times in the past where Raiyan was attracting such negative attention that there were points where we felt we were being cornered out of the school! So to know that the teachers were not more worried about him than the next child is indeed a major relief; 
• Disbelief. I still constantly worry about Raiyan. Admittedly, not as much as I did 18 months ago but I am still worried about him not being able to progress and attain the next level he is expected to. I guess being a parent, and not just a special needs parent, will always cause me to have that little "uri" (worry in malay) voice at the back of my head. So even if I kept hearing the teacher saying Raiyan is indistinguishable, I think at this point I am still choosing to not believe it so much only because I don't ever want to get complacent about it all. 
• Proud. I know for a fact but cannot possibly describe into words how hard Raiyan and his therapists have worked this past 22 months. So I believe the compliment of being called "indistinguishable" is a testament to the extraordinary efforts that have been put on by all of us as a team but especially Raiyan, Kerri and Jo to get him to where he is now. 
• Confused (?!) and I think this is what relates most to my long hiatus in blogging- HOW am I supposed to write about Raiyan and his autism when apparently, he is behaving not much different than the next boy in his class? 

In the end, all I can take away is an "opinion" of his teachers and technically and strictly speaking this by no way means that Raiyan is no longer autistic. The fact that remains is that he is still going for his 4* a week ABA therapy, we are still constantly working on his social skills, we are still working on him expressing his emotions better, we are still needing to take double or even triple the time to explain him something new, which typical children can understand straight away.... and for the most logical reason, his autism spectrum disorder diagnosis dated 8th January 2008 still stands and the only way to once and for all "undo" that diagnosis (IF he is indeed indistinguishable) is to have him re-diagnosed which we still don't feel quite ready to do just yet. (We are however planning for one sometime next year). 

The point is, I have loooonnnnnngggg accepted Raiyan to have autism and what's more than that, I have loooonnnggg been grateful that he has it because as cliche as it sounds, our family's lives have simply been so much richer and more meaningful ever since it touched us and entered our lives. So YES,  everyone who meets Raiyan for the first time would most probably have NO CLUE that he is autistic. And so, it would be easy for us to hide it and act that Raiyan is a typical boy. 

But I just can't do that. Raiyan is where he is now with autism playing a part along the way. It HAS OBVIOUSLY been a part of him all these years. I don't know how much it's a part of him now but I don't doubt it's still there. At the same time, I am not at all certain how much it will be a part of him in the future. All I am saying is it doesn't matter. Raiyan is Raiyan and I welcome you to continue reading about him in whatever way you want to view him.