Mommies have meltdowns too

Everyone close to me knows that my number one pet peeve is being ignored. I can let a lot of irritating things slide, such as rudeness, snobbishness, stinginess etc but if I’m made to feel ignored, forgotten or insignificant by someone close to me, I will get borderline psycho. The usual culprits are generally men as everyone knows that they never listen and lack women’s standard forms of expressions so for examples, whenever my phone calls get ignored even though they are supposed to be expecting it (or vice versa-they don't call when they promised to), or when I’m talking away and does not get at the very least a nod in response from them or when I feel unappreciated when I know I deserve some appreciation or acknowledgment, that is when my temper flares.

I guess you can say that an autistic child is kind of like the extreme male in the sense that they don’t listen to what the other person is saying to them (but at least in the autistic child’s case, he doesn’t UNDERSTAND what the other person is saying) and them not able to communicate their wants and feelings.

Today was again a not very good day for Raiyan and me but what’s different this time was that I was the one being difficult. I’m sure many women can understand that some days we just wake up and you just know that you’re not going to like yourself very much today. I don’t know what it was. Maybe I was too happy yesterday because Addin smiled at me for the first time so my emotions only had to go down after that. Maybe it’s because I had laksa nyonya for dinner followed by cendol durian so the carbs and sugar badly affected my blood sugar level making me moody. Maybe it’s because Jeff only stayed for lunch for 5 minutes. Maybe it’s still post partum depression after 2 months of giving birth. Maybe the fact that I’m starting work in 3 days time has dawned on me. Maybe it’s because Heath Ledger tragically died.. or most probably it’s an accumulation of all of these things and more. Altogether, I was not in a good mood today.

So there I was, reluctantly trying to do the therapy with Raiyan and am ashamed to admit that I started raising my voice after just 5 minutes. Every time he wouldn’t do what I told him to do (ie. Ignore me), I can feel myself yearning to just blow up but I just had to constantly remind myself that he's only doing it because he doesn’t understand me. I also couldn’t help feeling annoyed with the fact that some of the things I thought I have taught him well already were not coming out today (ie. I felt unappreciated for past things that I’ve done). I tried to continue but shortly after, I realise and accept the kind of person I am and gave up. I was just not up to it today.

I would have allowed myself to be guilty for missing one afternoon session with Raiyan today but at the same time, I have to remember that I also have so many other things on my plate and accept that what I am feeling is a natural thing that I shouldn’t be fighting. I know I should just take a break and again, hope that tomorrow is a better day.