Mommies have meltdowns too

Everyone close to me knows that my number one pet peeve is being ignored. I can let a lot of irritating things slide, such as rudeness, snobbishness, stinginess etc but if I’m made to feel ignored, forgotten or insignificant by someone close to me, I will get borderline psycho. The usual culprits are generally men as everyone knows that they never listen and lack women’s standard forms of expressions so for examples, whenever my phone calls get ignored even though they are supposed to be expecting it (or vice versa-they don't call when they promised to), or when I’m talking away and does not get at the very least a nod in response from them or when I feel unappreciated when I know I deserve some appreciation or acknowledgment, that is when my temper flares.

I guess you can say that an autistic child is kind of like the extreme male in the sense that they don’t listen to what the other person is saying to them (but at least in the autistic child’s case, he doesn’t UNDERSTAND what the other person is saying) and them not able to communicate their wants and feelings.

Today was again a not very good day for Raiyan and me but what’s different this time was that I was the one being difficult. I’m sure many women can understand that some days we just wake up and you just know that you’re not going to like yourself very much today. I don’t know what it was. Maybe I was too happy yesterday because Addin smiled at me for the first time so my emotions only had to go down after that. Maybe it’s because I had laksa nyonya for dinner followed by cendol durian so the carbs and sugar badly affected my blood sugar level making me moody. Maybe it’s because Jeff only stayed for lunch for 5 minutes. Maybe it’s still post partum depression after 2 months of giving birth. Maybe the fact that I’m starting work in 3 days time has dawned on me. Maybe it’s because Heath Ledger tragically died.. or most probably it’s an accumulation of all of these things and more. Altogether, I was not in a good mood today.

So there I was, reluctantly trying to do the therapy with Raiyan and am ashamed to admit that I started raising my voice after just 5 minutes. Every time he wouldn’t do what I told him to do (ie. Ignore me), I can feel myself yearning to just blow up but I just had to constantly remind myself that he's only doing it because he doesn’t understand me. I also couldn’t help feeling annoyed with the fact that some of the things I thought I have taught him well already were not coming out today (ie. I felt unappreciated for past things that I’ve done). I tried to continue but shortly after, I realise and accept the kind of person I am and gave up. I was just not up to it today.

I would have allowed myself to be guilty for missing one afternoon session with Raiyan today but at the same time, I have to remember that I also have so many other things on my plate and accept that what I am feeling is a natural thing that I shouldn’t be fighting. I know I should just take a break and again, hope that tomorrow is a better day.


autismx2 said...

Pweshes Mama, you are not alone. That's what Learning Ladders is for. If any mum feel they need to let off steam or just need someone non-male to talk to just call up myself or Sharina or even meet up for a quick cup of coffee (we can squeeze in time for COFFEE!)

Its ok to take a break from doing therapy. That's why you have additional ABA support from your therapists.
Remember, mummy is the captain of the boat. A happy and healthy mummy raises happy and healthy kids!
Also, insyallah your Raiyan will progress and he IS progressing. Both you and your husband have done a lot for him already.....hey your brilliant boy can read! not many autistic kids his age can read. Mine can't. But through our own efforts ABA or Non-ABA our kids have actually progressed more than you know it.

There are still other ignorant (or in denial) parents who think that its ok for their non-verbal 5yr old son to be sitting in a corner rocking or banging his head on the wall. Their excuse "My son is just a bit slow in talking" or "Baik jua ia duduk diam-diam daripada gauk lari-lari!"

So Kudos to you and hubby for doing a brilliant job!

Pweshes Mama said...

Thank you for the reassurance and support again dear. :D Yeah I just have to keep on reminding myself to focus on the positive rather than the negative and I know I have so many things to be thankful for with Raiyan.I just have to remember that it's important for us autism parents to be patient but at the same time be realistic and try not to push ourselves over the limit!

Bah nanti for my next episode I'll be sure to give you a ring! Unless you're having your own meltdown at the same time! Hehehe

princess said...

My pweshes BB,

I stumbled upon your blog and I just want you to know my heart goes out to you, Jeff and of course - Raiyan. As I continued reading your entries, I'm so glad both you and Jeff have sought the right people and I'm just so impressed Raiyan can read at such a young age! If you'd ask me, I'd say he's a BRILLIANT child! And what brilliant parents he has in supporting him with his progress and although I have no experience to support this, I firmly believe he will progress for the better.

You've done a great job, hun and go easy on yourself too. You know where to find me if you need anything :) *hugs*


ps. I've linked you in my blog. Hope you don't mind.

Nadia said...

Hi B! It sounds to me like you and Jef have been doing a brilliant job, it doesnt sound easy but i'm sure you and Jef are giving your 101%!

Raiyan is lucky to have such devoted parents! :) Your efforts will surely be rewarded - InsyaAllah, Amin!!!

Pweshes Mama said...

My dearest Bev and Nadia,

No words can describe how much your words of support and assurance mean to me. My heart is literally melting as I'm typing this! Yes, I know deep in my heart that Raiyan will see through this and I too will see through this and I'm even more confident of this knowing that I have such pweshes friends like you guys to be there for us! Thanks so much again from the bottom of my heart!

loads of love, BB
PS. Of course you can link me. But what's your blog address? I wanna see!

princess said... :)

PURPOSE:Hoping for more understanding and less judgment from all.

 To show the importances of early intervention and an evidence based treatment to help reach the full potential of the child.

 Offering other parents hope to have faith in the positive progress of their child.

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